Competition heating up for “Chief of Fire-related Operations” position
Read that title one more time before you continue. Let that pun simmer. Okay, proceed.
We’ve had more than zero applications for our job posting for Chief of Fire-related Operations (CFO) and I must say, the applicants have been severely overqualified. Here’s one of our favorites. If you are also qualified (or over-qualified) for the position, please send us your resume via our Contact form.
Resume
Name: [REDACTED]
Job Sought: Fire Man. Not Fireman.
Experience:
- Lit first fire at age 5
- Grounded for lighting fires first at age 5, then 32 more times before turning 12
- Once attempted to light a solid-fuel rocket engine with a match… from own bedroom window
- Burned down at least 3 distinct building structures, not always with permission
Education:
- 9.75 years at the school of hard knocks
- 23 years as a student in other schools
- Repeated nursery school (velcro issue)
Interests:
- S’mores
- Lighter fluid
- Hardwood charcoal
- Peeing on fires
I like fire. I play with rockets. I designed a liquid oxygen / kerosene high performance rocket that I’ll build once I get the money. I once dove into a pool burning with gasoline. My boss has ammonium perchlorate in his basement. I work part-time for a company that builds alcohol and liquid oxygen rockets.
I am fire. All others are impostors.
I deeply respect this plan of hiring a fire chief. Mr. REDACTED seem to have it in the bag so far, but I would not let the review of his references slip. He almost sounds too good to be a mere mortal. Did he not let this slip in his request to be FIRE MAN, not simply a fireman. He might show up with a cape (dangerous around fires according to The Incredibles) and definitely with an F on his chest.
Next thing you know he would have an F – Monday night Brewery sticker on his car. This did not seem to be a favorable association on stickers for our former president. Does the brewery really have to become political for something so simple as fire? Follow the logic guys…