Finally. A plastic mustache for my beer bottle.

Beerstache, your time is now. Our “friend” Peter sent us a link to this amazing product. And they’re only $2 apiece! If only they were made of real hair, and not plastic. Guaranteed to make any beer more creepy and/or more hipster.

Sidenote: It’s Movember.

These men are enjoying themselves immensely

Ah, there is nothing finer.

Reclining with other mustachio’d cosmopolitan gentlemen in the ferns. Clasping pipes and cold beers from far-away lands. Discussing appropriate neckwear, funny hats, and womenfolk.

This is the life we aspire to.

Now leave us be.

Image source: Powerhouse Museum Collection

The most disgusting mustache in the world

Better late than never. Jeff, who was noticeably absent when I actually needed his mustache, grew a mustache for me now that my ulcers are pretty much healed. First, a brief update:

For those who didn’t know, I was pretty sick for a couple months this summer. Turns out it was ulcers. We started a campaign, Mustaches for Ulcers, which gained some press from the prestigious American Mustache Institute. Beer bloggers turned out in spades. Well, one or two of them turned out in spades. Soon all eight of my ulcers were sponsored and the real healing could begin. I’ve been doing much better and have actually been drinking beer again, though I’m still trying to take it easy until I get the “all clear” from the doctors.

And now, I present to you the ugliest mustache ever seen on man or woman (yes, that includes your mom):

Jeff grew this doozy of a mustache while hanging out in the wilds of Montana. A bear tried to mate with him.

Wedding Beer

As Jonathan has already ranted on my “unsanctioned” beer I figured I might as well share the full story.  My younger sister Martha was getting married this past weekend and since her husband-to-be was the creator of the official MNB tap I figured it only appropriate we do a custom beer to celebrate the occasion.

The beer we settled on was a modified version of our yet-named Belgian Wit.  I actually added back the coriander and fresh orange zest from the original Weiss Guy recipe.  For an added twist I added some fresh ginger at the end of the boil (inspired by the Allagash Fluxus I had in Portland last month).  The result was a spectacular beer that won the hearts and taste buds of all who attended (that were legally of age and tasted it).  Even my grandmother who hates beer partook in quite a few herself.

We dubbed it the Equally Yoked Heifer-Weizen.  The quote is especially dynamite on this one too.  If you can’t make it out it reads:

Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said “I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?”

Yes.  Something we’ve all wondered at one time or another I’m sure.

Mo ‘staches, mo problems

It seems that the ulcerous quest for mustachio’d sponsors is nearing a close! Thanks to you, dear readers, we have secured more than enough mustaches to heal all 8 of my known ulcers, thus allowing me to drink beer once again. Before we get into the latest round of sponsors, I would first like to acknowledge my co-worker Matt, who inspired the title of this post with his “Mojitos, Mo’ Problems” t-shirt, which he dons whenever the occasion seems casual enough. Matt, there’s nothing manlier than a mojito. Except perhaps 2 mojitos.

But enough of this jibber-jabber. To the mustaches!

7) Jerre’s 30minutestache

Jerre Maynor, notorious for his ability to grow facial hair in a short amount of time, has submitted the first in a series of photos to be taken every half hour until his mustache is full-grown. I think it will take approximately 2 and a half hours, all told.

8) Kenneth’s Grossstache

Kenneth, friend of the Beerbuddha, and his hairy little friend. The thing about the mustache is that it can turn even a normal photo into an excellent mug shot. It has that power.

9) Joel’s Semistache

Joel, this is disgusting. But I’ll give you credit, you can grow more hair than Jeff. That’s not saying a lot, but thanks for trying.

10) Bryon’s feeble attempt at a ‘stache

Bryon, thanks for thinking of me. But my ulcers demand more (or less) than a beard. Shave the rest of that crap and get back to us.

And that should do it for now! I’ve got tentative mustaches on the way from a few other folks, but until I get photographic evidence, it’s a no go. There’s still time if you want to jump on board late. Who knows, I may even have a few extra ‘staches to donate to ulcer research.

Brewing the Drafty Kilt tonight

Stop by Jeff’s tonight to drink some beers and help brew another, slightly adjusted Drafty Kilt scotch ale. You may recall that we dialed down the recipe to make it more “user-friendly.” It ended up at 5.1% ABV, down from around 8%. We’re going to dial it back up just a smidge and try for 6%. Given Jeff’s unerring accuracy in all things numeric (particularly if he’s making them up), I don’t think we should have a problem.

On a different note, guess who grew a mustache for my ulcers?

“Leave no mustache behind”

5 ulcers have been effectively sponsored, only 3 more to go. Actually, 2 more. I present to you Mustache #6:

6) Walter’s Beachstache

Walter sent in this photo of what appears to be slightly moldy peach fuzz. Gross, but it’ll do. Thank you sir.

And I’ve also received word from Beerbuddha that there may be a fu manchu coming my way soon. I’m just waiting on photographic evidence. Which would mean… we’re only one mustache shy of a completely healed digestive system. Come on, people, RALLY! I can’t drink any beer until these things are gone. It’s torture.

Uggh. I just looked back up at Walter’s Beachstache and got the heeby-jeebies. I hope I never have to see it in person.